Fat American Actor Tries Hand At Being A Skinny Popstar From Sheffield (And Succeeds)

Today I heard William Shatner singing a cover of 'Common People'.

Later I heard he's bringing an album out titled 'Has- Been' and its been produced by Ben Folds.

This is going on my xmas list all freakin' right!

Some people are destined to die a slow and painful death

Consonant reader,

I'm on my way back from school. The roads are busy. Queues, queues. Everyone just wants to get back home, switch the tv on, lie down and forget about the horrid day they just had.

I was getting that way, but still in a semi- cheerful mood. I drive up to a bus, which is indicating to pull out.

Why not, its a bus, and they deserve a break now and then. I leave a gap and let it pull out. The driver thanks me.

From behind, I suddenly hear the blare of a car horn. Its a prolonged blast. I look behind in the rear view mirror. A purple off road vehicle with what looks like a grey haired old battleaxe is giving me the two fingers sign.

I'm amazed.

Not only did I perform an act of kindness on the road to a fellow vehicle but I'm being.. punished for it.

Soon she starts givng me the 'wanker' sign too. I shrug, say "What the fuck?" alone in my car, turn around and flick the mighty two back at her.

We drive on. She, still beeping and a-waving all manner of filthy gestures, me gesturing back.

I have to turn left off the main road. She's beeping at me and I finally flip her the bird of prey.

"Go on, fuck off you impatient and confused lump of shit" I should have shouted, but instead I turned Radio 2 up a notch. She will not upset me, because I'm still trying to figure out the mystery voice with Johnny Walker.

People like that should be skinned alive, but with current human rights laws, it seems somehow illegal.

Well, I can dream..

B x.

Why oh why oh shitting WHY!

Consonant reader,

I've been waiting for ages for the original Star Wars trilogy to come out on DVD. Its been a long, long time in the making. George Lucas released his first Star Wars film in the 70's.

Decades later, and he has finally released the classic trio on lovely DVD-o-vision, released in the UK on the 20th of September (Monday).

Also next year he will release the last Star Wars film in the series "Revenge of the Sith".

Its all been well worth the wait.

But I can't buy it, because I've got too much fucking work to be getting on with!

I've been waiting for ages for the final Dark Tower book to be released. Its been a long, long time in the making. Stephen King, switching the horror genre for a more interesting fantasy led storyline and released his first "Dark Tower" book in the 70's.

Decades later, and he has finally released the final part of his epic 7 part series in hardback, released in the UK on the 20th of September (Monday).

It finally finishes off what has been for many as much of a labourious journey for the characters involved in the books themselves.

Its all been well worth the wait.

But I can't buy it, because I've got too much fucking work to be getting on with!

Cock, fuck and wanky bag straps, this sucks fat rats tits!

B x.

Nigel schedule

Consonant reader,

I've just heard XTC's "Making Plans for Nigel" 3 times in 24 hours by completely separate sources e.g. tape in car, radio 2 and an obsure local radio station.

Do these things just happen by chance or do I just plan them?

..Plus, who the fuck cares?

B x.

Last post?

Consonant reader,

Freak country- levelling, tyrannical uber- weather systems becoming commonplace..

The very heart of our fragile democracy compromised:

-First by Gotham city's finest vigilante dropping by on Buckingham 'Pal' and evading the first 'wave' of security who were busy reading the papers, probably..

-Then a bunch of builders (Ok I know they weren't builders but they fooled me)
barging in on the house of commons whilst all hell broke loose outside in a pit of confusion and bloodied truncheons..

Erm, excuse me ladies and germs, but is the end of the world looming ever nearer?

*What do you mean 'No you dopey shit', what does that mean??*

B x.

What I learnt last week

Consonant reader,

School wasn't too bad last week. I thought it would be hard and shocking to the system but, no. Bit tired though.

I'm sure it will get a little bit more... tricky in due course. Until then its time to face the roses and smell the music whilst dancing in the streets of Riley.

I've already cinched a deal with my Year 8 band (Bonobo:"We could be the next Coldplay." Band: "Erm, fuck off, sir." Bonobo: "Ok!"), we'll be practicing tomorrow. Just look out for us in a town hall or back garden near you no time soon.

...Also found out another town on the way to work already had its own Mushroom Festival a few months' back.

...Bastards, leave me out of it why don'cha!

Fungally yours,

B x.

Comedy attempt with a child

Consonant reader,

I had a class of year 7's today. The new breed, the nervous many who moved on up to big school this week.

It was a reading session as they didn't have proper timetables sorted out. I took the register and had a few laughs with them.

One joke made me laugh on the inside but the poor little girl didn't share my frivolity.

Bonobo: Name?

Pupil (looks up from book, serious look): *name*

Bonobo: (Smiling) And can you tell me if you're here today?

Pupil: Yes. (Solemn face turns back down to book, far more interesting than sarcastic teacher)
...I'm such a dwad aren't I?

B x.

p.s. I drove through the village of Newent again today. Its not an Onion festival, but an Onion Fayre. I do apologise to all onionphiles out there. Whip me till I bleed, then whip me some more to teach me never to diss Onion celebrations again.

Bit shellfish

Consonant reader,

Today I drove through a village just south of Milton Keynes called Woburn.

The streets were packed with people, the roads clogged up with parked cars and there were loads of stalls set up in the village centre selling drinks and snacks.

The occasion? The Woburn Oyster Festival.

Of course, a village which is essentially landlocked and far from the sea celebrating the joys and pleasures of a bi-valve mollusc.

Like, you would have a festival set up for these things? Last month it was probably the Week of the Leek or the Two days of the absolute Honey Glazed Ham bender. Day of the Trout? 24 hours Salami People?

I drove through looking at all these poor, frightened oyster worshippers filling up the streets with complete disbelief.

I never knew the act of licking phlegm off a turtle's back could spark such a community into day long hedonsim.

B x


***Additional blurbings***


This is getting stupid.

First day back to school, set off from Gloucester to Hereford, didnt quite know the way and ended up going a longer route than needed.

On the way back this afternoon I went a different way which is a lot quicker. I drove through a village called Newent, which on September the 11th is proudly holding its annual Onion festival.

Onion festival?